“When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it is over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.
I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.”
Lessons Learned in L.A.
Last year, I moved 3,000 miles away from my family, my home, my birthplace. I had done this before, but going to a California university had more certainty, more security. I had a clear and established goal, a place to live, and plenty of people at my fingertips to become friends with. This time, things were not as obvious or easy. I had accepted a job at an interesting start-up, but I had no guarantee that my time there would last and be mutually beneficial.
Nervous, but faithful that this was the right move for me, I landed at LAX with a lot of work to do. Luckily, my forever best friend and savior (Mama) worked her magic and after 7 crazy days, I had a car, an apartment, a bed, and champagne glasses. What else does a girl need?
To say the least, Los Angeles has proved to be a great place for me. In the last 12 months, I've increased my self-worth, my self-awareness, my respect for other beings, and developed a better understanding of life. Out of many lessons, I will share 3 with you.
1. You are your other half.
The only way to be happy is to 100% live for yourself. It is foolish and unhelpful to live for or in terms of anyone else, whether it be a lover, friend, or role model. Your expectations and needs will never be met, leading only to repetitive heartbreak, frustration, and ultimately an unauthentic, unfulfilled life. When you live for you and you only, you free yourself and those you love. It isn't selfish, it's enlightened. This doesn't mean you're less of a loving and caring friend and lover, it simply means there are appropriate boundaries in the relationship. Love doesn't equal ownership. Love isn't two halves making a whole, it's two wholes fully accepting each other as they are and existing in peace and light.
There is nothing more freeing than full autonomy in a relationship with another person. This helps make it quite clear when certain relationships are toxic and draining. You do not need to bend yourself for someone else: you do not and should not repetitively sacrifice your own feelings and well-being. As someone who has trouble letting people go, I've become strong and stubborn in who I invest my time and energy in. I no longer beg for someone's time. I no longer accept unbalanced friendships or love. I no longer abandon myself to try and fill a broken relationship. There is nothing more powerful than authentic love in relationships, it leads to a more authentic life. Learning this and living this has brought me more peace and happiness than ever before.
2. You do what you can and that's enough.
To my surprise, I was recently called a perfectionist. After reflecting on how hard I am on myself, I sort of agreed. I never think I'm doing enough. I never feel I am meeting my goals as quickly as I should be. These thoughts lead me to think I am not good enough. They lead me to believe I am simply not enough.
In 2015, I adopted 2 cats, went to 40+ concerts, traveled, fell in love, developed meaningful friendships, started painting, started writing, created my website, became a pescetarian, donated many clothes to charity, worked extremely hard at my job, got a raise under a year, went to DJ school in the evenings and more. In 2015, I did not get super fit and healthy, practice (dj) scratching/mixing, do enough charity work, get my brothers' Irish passports, learn how to be a better cook, become less attached to my phone, and more. These 'did nots' overshadowed all my accomplishments and made me feel like a failure.
Reflecting on the voices in my head, I realized the self-destructive nature of it all. Without consciously realizing it, I am making myself an enemy. These thoughts do not cause me to go to the gym more often, practice mixing more often, or make myself dinner more often, so what are they good for? With this realization, I worked on changing my perspective.
I began allowing myself to be human. I began allowing myself to live without judgment from me. I watch Netflix in the evenings because I worked 9 or more hours that day and need to turn off. I didn't have time to go grocery shopping that Sunday because I was enjoying my day off with my boyfriend and friends. Of course, I knew all of this before, but I didn't accept it as alright. Getting my permission to live at my own pace has been strange but, in so many ways, freeing. I would go as far as saying that constantly being my own friend and ally has lead to more productivity.
3. Loss is a part of life and it is alright.
I have always put massive amounts of energy into those I love. I often sacrificed my own well-being for others. This made the heartbreak of a loss of a friend or lover unfathomably devastating and confusing. Each loss, no matter what the scenario, I found myself asking myself many questions: What did I do wrong? Why did they leave me after all I did, all I tried to do? Did I not do enough? Do they not see how much they mean to me? Why don't they find me worthy? Am I worthy? If I did something different, would there have been another outcome?
With lessons 1 and 2 in mind, I've taught myself this truth: loss is not my fault. No amount of energy or understanding would guarantee that people wouldn't leave. Doing all that I did was a choice I made, and they didn't owe me for it. Ignoring my boundaries to comfort and support others is unhealthy and unsustainable. If my basic expectations are no longer being met in a relationship, it is okay for me to walk away. Whether or not our relationship worked out has nothing to do with their worth or mine.
A loss is never easy, but with a deeper understanding of who I am and what my values are, I am able to better digest the idea that some people are not meant to be a part of my journey forever. Looking back on all of this year's changes, I understand why certain people left my life at the time that they did. I did not and will not lose my identity when I lose someone.
Knowing this brings peace; it allows me to accept things as they come.
2015, thank you for allowing me to work on myself. Thank you for giving me opportunities and experiences I am beyond appreciative of. Thank you for bringing people in my life who brighten my every day and teach me valuable life lessons.
2016, I am ready for you. I am excited to continue my journey of growth and understanding in life and love. And I am grateful for every moment.