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Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?
— Mary Manin Morrissey

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

 

Still I Rise, Maya Angelou

XLIV

Does everyone feel this way? When I was young, I was perpetually overconfident or insecure. Either I felt completely useless, unattractive, and worthless, or that I was pretty much a success, and everything I did was bound to succeed. When I was confident, I could overcome the hardest challenges. But all it took was the smallest setback for me to be sure that I was utterly worthless. Regaining my self-confidence had nothing to do with success… whether I experienced it as a failure or triumph was utterly dependent on my mood.
— Bernhard Schlink, The Reader

Play:


 

Willow Smith is an anomaly. She is 15 and just came out with her first album (available on Spotify).

At age 13, she wrote and produced the first track in the playlist, Your Love. She writes music like she's been on the planet for decades. I had tickets to see her on Valentines Day, but I left the house too late, and only made it to see her chilling in the parking lot after the show in knee high glitter socks and converse. 

I connect to how she is experiencing her adolescent years, filled with moments of insecurity and uncertainty. Her songs "Roll Up" and "Chinese," struck me in particular, and reminded me of growing up and being a female in this backward world.

It's hard to be young. The world telling you who and what is important, and none of it applies to you.

At 23, I still not feel doubts I felt a decade ago, ask questions I asked a decade ago.

XLII

Always stay gracious. Best revenge is your paper.
— Queen B, Formation

When he fuck me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster... cause I slay. And with that 1 line, Bey had people RUNNING TO RED LOBSTER. 

Once again, B comes out of nowhere and interrupts everyone's week for the better. This song is so powerful and so damn catchy (Thank u Mike Will).

Let's go into the making of/fashion/art direction because Beyonce is the best at everything she does, and that has a lot to do with the team she surrounds herself with.

Direction: Though originally misreported as having been self-directed by Beyoncé, "Formation's" actual director is none other than Melina Matsoukas. She won a Grammy for directing Rihanna's "We Found Love" video, and has directed eight other Beyoncé videos since 2007, most recently "Pretty Hurts." 

Fashion: The video was styled by the Cut contributing editor and former Cosmopolitan fashion market director Shiona Turini; Nigerian-American designer Ade Samuel; and stylist Marni x Marni. Learn more about the complete wardrobe from Man Repeller.

Producers/Songwriters: Though you won't hear his famous drop on the beat's introduction, "Formation" was produced by Mike WiLL Made-It, who tweeted after the song's release, "Always wanted to work with Beyoncé and after working with her I respect her on even more levels than I knew she was on... Real ARTist Fr." Yonce's co-writer on the track was Swae Lee of rap duo Rae Sremmurd. More from Vulture.

Now, let's go into the message.

Beyonce is not afraid of being political. She has attended numerous protests against police brutality, and in case you haven't already heard, Fox News is outraged by her Super Bowl performance and its references to the Black Panther Party. Cry me a river, O'Reilly, get back to more important things like the War on Christmas. You and Megyn Kelly have 10 months to plan your next segments on how Jesus was white... Anyway...

Omise'eke Natasha Tinsley writes for Time,

This song is all about the pleasures of having a black female body and owning it. “Cocky fresh” Bey calls her black feminist aesthetic. Cocky, as in enjoying pleasure with a sense of controlling her own sexuality that’s usually reserved for men.

Bey revels in her Southernness black womanness: “I like my baby hair, with baby hairs and afros,” she drawls, singing her love not only of black girls’ kinky, coily and curly hair but also of black Southern women’s speech. Yes, Beyonce’s black feminism is a politics of the pleasures reserved for black women: our country roots, our nappy roots, our Cheddar Bay Biscuits, our well-eaten cake by the pound.

But don’t get it twisted: Bey’s black feminism isn’t only for cis-women. The song starts with a voiceover from Messy Mya, killed in an unsolved transphobic murder in 2010, who tells us “Bitch, I’m back by popular demand.” Femme and fabulous, Beyonce’s formation loves and celebrates the art of black femininity in every kind of body brave enough to own it.

Most of all, Beyonce’s black feminism celebrates conjure women and the magic they wield.

NPR's Mandalit del Barco highlights reactions to the video:

The images are very much an homage to the black South... Louisiana is this famous slave port, where so many cultures came together and mixed, but also she references the site of Katrina, where this horrible crime was committed against black people; where its nation didn't show up for us and where this generation is having to learn that its nation continues to not show up for us. And in that, she's both centering black women — her formation is one of black women, who are proudly wearing their natural hair, and she makes a circle amongst her daughter and three girls, which is a little bit of magic and conjuring. But there's also, you know, the centering of queer folks and trans folk, and both by the vocals that we hear and of what we visually see. And that has very much been an intentional thing that's been happening in this new Black Lives Matter movement. From the very outset, there was real messaging that talked about centering queer folks and black women in leadership. So it's really amazing to see all of that reflected back to us in a Beyonce video.

I think that the image with the boy who's basically conducting a police lineup is magic. This is about them being in a trance, and them having to do what they usually try to make him do, which is put their hands up. The next cut about "Stop shooting us," it's not the black power moment that we got in the late '60s and '70s, which she referenced on the actual Super Bowl day, with the Black Panther beret, but it is absolutely a message that comes straight out of Ferguson: "Hands up, don't shoot." I think it was incredibly powerful. I think it was also a nod to Tamir Rice, you know. It's about a black visionary, a black future [where] we are imagining ourselves having power, and magic. And I think it's beautiful.

She showed up to the Trayvon Martin rally and met his parents, but that was disastrous for she and her husband. All of the eyes, which should have been on the dais, and they were all looking at Jay and Bey, who were kind of standing to the side of the stage. They understand what a distraction they can be. But this is all value add; this video "Formation" is not a distraction. It is a beautiful centering and a beautiful conjuring.

Beyonce created an anthem, a visual anthem in every way. And that's been beautiful to see. And it's been beautiful to see other artists kind of wake up around this and realize that this isn't going to cost them to put this kind of messaging forward; that it's actually going to benefit them.


Beyonce is the best at what she does. 

She always gives 100%, never disappoints, and is constantly pushing boundaries and surprising everyone. She does a million things at once like when she put out a 14 song visual album DURING her 132 show world tour (NOT including her solo Super Bowl Halftime show) AS a new mom. I don't care how big her team is, she defines what it means to be a hustler. Thank you for inspiring women everywhere to be unapologetically ourselves while being THE best at everything we do. "You know you that bitch when you cause all this conversation." Here's to you, Queen.

XXXIX

People think because we’re young we aren’t complex, but that’s not true. We deal with life and love and broken hearts the same way a woman a few years older might.
— Rih

Robyn Rihanna Fenty | Anti

Anti, Rihanna's 8th album, dropped on 1/28, and it turned platinum before the weekend was over. This album is different than anything else she has released. In an interview with MTV she said, "I just wanted to focus on things that felt real, that felt soulful, that felt forever. I wanted songs that I could perform in 15 years; I wanted an album that I could perform in 15 years. Not any songs that were burnt out." She accomplished that goal, the variety on Anti is overwhelming.

Here is the order of my favorite songs on the Deluxe version of Anti (16 songs total):

  1. Higher
  2. Yeah, I Said It
  3. Work
  4. Love On The Brain
  5. James Joint
  6. Desperado
  7. Needed Me
  8. Sex With Me
  9. Consideration
  10. Goodnight Gotham
  11. Same Ol' Mistakes
  12. Pose
  13. Woo
  14. Close To You
  15. Never Ending
  16. Kiss It Better

The songs on Anti remind me of many different artists. Not sure if that's good or bad, but I'm focusing on the fact that they're very different for Rih. Higher reminds me of BiBi Bourelly, which made sense when I found out BiBi helped write it. BiBi also contributed to Yeah, I Said It, my other favorite track. James Joint sounds like The Internet. Consideration reminds me of Estelle. Love On The Brain has Alicia Keys vibes. Never Ending feels like it should be on an album with the songs she did for the Home soundtrack.

The album was a huge surprise for me. I first listened for the bangers, the radio hits, and I didn't find any obvious ones. I was left with an album I can listen to eating dinner with my boyfriend, on rih-peat at work, night driving, or just about any other mellow scenario. This album has depth and complexity.

I'm happy Rihanna is exploring new sides of her music, even though I'm sure many of her fans feel a bit confused by Anti. If she continues down this road, her releases will (hopefully) stop reminding me of other artists, and instead, scream Rih. I may need to see her in concert for the 4th time so I can experience this new Fenty.

XXXVIII

In Zen Buddhism, a master was once asked what was the most valuable thing in the world. The master answered that a dead cat was, because no one could put a price on it.
— J.D. Salinger, Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters & Seymour: An Introduction

Joshua Tree Camping, December

This has been in my blog drafts since our Joshua Tree trip in December. I wanted to find the cord to upload my DSLR pictures, but I seem to be neglecting that task.

I'm very excited to go back to on February 20th, I've been waiting to go back since we left. I wrote many pieces in J Tree, here's a clip of a journal piece:


I never thought I would be into camping. I like beds, I like toilets, I like wifi. I ordered a double sleeping bag and double foam/air pad a few days before our trip. I also found every cashmere item I have in my closet. R had everything else.

We piled into the car way later than expected, but I was on a freedom high, and I am never able to be upset around him for long. We got there a few hours before sundown. I have a love/hate relationship with short winter days. 

He set up the tent, I unloaded the car. We were the only ones around, I hoped that would be the case the whole night. Soon a car came up the gravel road. Two men got out of a wagon with a "LIVEGAN" license plate. Ends up his last name is Coffey and they live in Marina del Rey. Home followed me here. Maybe this is home. 

We finished filling our tent up with sweaters, jackets, cashmere blankets, our sleeping bag, and more. We had created a palace of luxury and warmth, despite our forgotten pillows.

I couldn't get over the beauty all around us. The silence. The sky. The peace I felt.

We put a bottle of wine and a tuna sandwich in his backpack. He made me put my ankle brace on. Don't ask me why I'll do anything the man says. If I were to guess, it's because his intentions are the kindest and truest of anyone I've ever known. Anyone else I'd say, "leave me alone, it's MY ankle." He asked me to bring it a few days before the trip. With his voice in my mind, I brought 2. 

R climbed a boulder I said I couldn't climb. But he did it and I'm stubborn and proud and can do anything. But really it was because he said it was safe. We drank a small bit from the bottle, shared our cold dinner, and watched the sun go down. We listened to the playlist I created of songs from Spotify's "100 Most Beautiful Songs in the World." 

No lasting fire, despite numerous attempts and a run to the store. I preferred the tent---luxury palace anyway. We talked about everything and about nothing for hours. I admitted I don't know his two middle names. With much wine in his belly, he got more upset than his typical disposition reveals. I hate that he felt passionate about it, but I understand. Over a year and a half where he remembers every detail of me, my stories, our stories together, and I don't know something as simple as his middle names. I never let him down so my heart hurt and I apologized beaucoup. I said his full name for the rest of the night to make light of the situation and attempt to show my devotion. It worked. He never holds anything against me.

The darkness and the quiet left us drunk on our feelings.

He asked if I really exist, if I'm real. 

I'm not sure. But, I felt as real as ever.

Overwhelmed, my tears, the size of quarters, fell onto our skin. Zero degrees outside and I was red with warmth. 

Without a bed, without a toilet, without wifi, I fell asleep the most comfortable I had been in years.