“His voice rolls
and humms
so deeply
I feel it like honey on my tongue
my vagina stirs
opens and awakes
I feel each syllable
deeply inside of me
as if the echos of his words
have crawled inside of me
coaxed and asked
kissed until it is wet
ready to take inside
all of this
from a red hot chilli pepper song”
“I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts but they need constant attention & one day I decided I had better things to do.”
S U M M E R V I S U A L S
It's therapeutic to begin writing again. Here is a short piece on the hesitation felt when developing as a person. Growing up and standing in your full power is intimidating, and it can be tempting to stay in your comfort zone.
Being connected
In a world disconnected
Is uncomfortable as hell
I'm getting to know myself, just now
Someone I neglected for 25 years
Someone I drowned out with smart phones & Netflix & vibrators & Pinot
She isn't letting me ignore her much anymore
She makes my tummy ache
She makes my hangovers hurt like hell
She throws tantrums until I say
Hi
You
When she's scared, I tell her I'm here
When she's lonely, I tell her she doesn't have to be alone anymore
When she's mad, I validate her feelings
This relationship scares me
I avoid it often
Probably because
It's the most important one I'll ever have
And I'm terrified of how powerful I will become with her by my side
Power means responsibility
And I like my Netflix & wine a lil too much
“The world will ask you who you are, and if you don’t know, the world will tell you.”
Thinking about you is violent.
It’s never just hips.
It’s hips crashing like helmet-less bicycle wrecks,
head over handlebars,
hands all scraped up.
Nails full of dirt and spit and you.
Even your voice is this jarring thing,
this pleasant shake-down,
this sore so good, so goddamn good.
Like a bad-tooth hurt.
I think of you and want to put my fingers
in my mouth.
I want to pull my own hair.
I want smoke and blood.
Trista Mateer
Am I lonely?
Sure. Like anybody
who has sat by themselves during
their hardest moments is.
The feeling of being completely
alone does not leave you-
even when you’re assured that
you have people to rely on.
I am trying to learn my Lonely.
I foster it. So that it does not
eat me up. It is a piece of me that
has never
strayed.
You Don’t Unlearn It Immediately, Lora Mathis
later that night
i held an atlas in my lap
ran my fingers across the whole world
and whispered
where does it hurt?
it answered
everywhere
everywhere
everywhere.
Warsan Shire
“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.”
I’m learning to talk less
An absence of voices to hear me
Is a lesson to be learned
Or so my therapist says
“
Learn to be alone
Stop looking for advice
The guidance you need is inside
”
I talk to myself
But I don’t care for the sound of my own voice
It doesn’t convince me the way it should
It doesn’t give me what I need
Yet
--------------------------------------------------------------
You obsess, stalk
Attempt to emulate creativity you do not possess
What stress continual imitation must cause
Far passed inspired,
you Suck from others' Individuality, foster a Stolen image
Stolen image after stolen image
At your best
you F a i l
In having any slight depth, voice, vision.
Do you see your luminous transparency ? Insecurity ?
Realization of your lack of identity
Leaves me vacant
So I quickly stop myself
Basic Falsities are
Undeserving
of my thoughts
of my breath
.
I smile
and Forget you
“Breathe-in experience, breathe-out poetry.”
