XL

“Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.”

— Marc Chernoff, Mark and Angel Hack Life

With us,
there is no other half.
No “you complete me"s.
No “without you I’m nothing"s

Yesterday
my flight was cancelled
and I wanted to run to another
airline counter and
buy the next ticket home,
just so I could see you that night.

I miss you. Acutely.
My missing is a fire licking
at my throat. The absence of you
is a flame threatening to pour
out of my mouth and shake hands
with my loneliness. I’m burning
in it. But I’m still something.

So we don’t do incompletes.
We don’t tell each other
we’re nothing without the other.
You’re not here and I’m lonelier. I’m less person
and more flame. I’m licking
smoke off my bottom lip
and tasting all of the ways I can
miss you, but still, I’m something.

Always.

Still Something, Lora Mathis

XXXIX

“People think because we’re young we aren’t complex, but that’s not true. We deal with life and love and broken hearts the same way a woman a few years older might.”

— Rih

Robyn Rihanna Fenty | Anti

Anti, Rihanna's 8th album, dropped on 1/28, and it turned platinum before the weekend was over. This album is different than anything else she has released. In an interview with MTV she said, "I just wanted to focus on things that felt real, that felt soulful, that felt forever. I wanted songs that I could perform in 15 years; I wanted an album that I could perform in 15 years. Not any songs that were burnt out." She accomplished that goal, the variety on Anti is overwhelming.

Here is the order of my favorite songs on the Deluxe version of Anti (16 songs total):

Higher
Yeah, I Said It
Work
Love On The Brain
James Joint
Desperado
Needed Me
Sex With Me
Consideration
Goodnight Gotham
Same Ol' Mistakes
Pose
Woo
Close To You
Never Ending
Kiss It Better

The songs on Anti remind me of many different artists. Not sure if that's good or bad, but I'm focusing on the fact that they're very different for Rih. Higher reminds me of BiBi Bourelly, which made sense when I found out BiBi helped write it. BiBi also contributed to Yeah, I Said It, my other favorite track. James Joint sounds like The Internet. Consideration reminds me of Estelle. Love On The Brain has Alicia Keys vibes. Never Ending feels like it should be on an album with the songs she did for the Home soundtrack.

The album was a huge surprise for me. I first listened for the bangers, the radio hits, and I didn't find any obvious ones. I was left with an album I can listen to eating dinner with my boyfriend, on rih-peat at work, night driving, or just about any other mellow scenario. This album has depth and complexity.

I'm happy Rihanna is exploring new sides of her music, even though I'm sure many of her fans feel a bit confused by Anti. If she continues down this road, her releases will (hopefully) stop reminding me of other artists, and instead, scream Rih. I may need to see her in concert for the 4th time so I can experience this new Fenty.

XXXVIII

“In Zen Buddhism, a master was once asked what was the most valuable thing in the world. The master answered that a dead cat was, because no one could put a price on it.”

— J.D. Salinger, Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters & Seymour: An Introduction

Joshua Tree Camping, December

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This has been in my blog drafts since our Joshua Tree trip in December. I wanted to find the cord to upload my DSLR pictures, but I seem to be neglecting that task.

I'm very excited to go back to on February 20th, I've been waiting to go back since we left. I wrote many pieces in J Tree, here's a clip of a journal piece:

I never thought I would be into camping. I like beds, I like toilets, I like wifi. I ordered a double sleeping bag and double foam/air pad a few days before our trip. I also found every cashmere item I have in my closet. R had everything else.

We piled into the car way later than expected, but I was on a freedom high, and I am never able to be upset around him for long. We got there a few hours before sundown. I have a love/hate relationship with short winter days.

He set up the tent, I unloaded the car. We were the only ones around, I hoped that would be the case the whole night. Soon a car came up the gravel road. Two men got out of a wagon with a "LIVEGAN" license plate. Ends up his last name is Coffey and they live in Marina del Rey. Home followed me here. Maybe this is home.

We finished filling our tent up with sweaters, jackets, cashmere blankets, our sleeping bag, and more. We had created a palace of luxury and warmth, despite our forgotten pillows.

I couldn't get over the beauty all around us. The silence. The sky. The peace I felt.

We put a bottle of wine and a tuna sandwich in his backpack. He made me put my ankle brace on. Don't ask me why I'll do anything the man says. If I were to guess, it's because his intentions are the kindest and truest of anyone I've ever known. Anyone else I'd say, "leave me alone, it's MY ankle." He asked me to bring it a few days before the trip. With his voice in my mind, I brought 2.

R climbed a boulder I said I couldn't climb. But he did it and I'm stubborn and proud and can do anything. But really it was because he said it was safe. We drank a small bit from the bottle, shared our cold dinner, and watched the sun go down. We listened to the playlist I created of songs from Spotify's "100 Most Beautiful Songs in the World."

No lasting fire, despite numerous attempts and a run to the store. I preferred the tent---luxury palace anyway. We talked about everything and about nothing for hours. I admitted I don't know his two middle names. With much wine in his belly, he got more upset than his typical disposition reveals. I hate that he felt passionate about it, but I understand. Over a year and a half where he remembers every detail of me, my stories, our stories together, and I don't know something as simple as his middle names. I never let him down so my heart hurt and I apologized beaucoup. I said his full name for the rest of the night to make light of the situation and attempt to show my devotion. It worked. He never holds anything against me.

The darkness and the quiet left us drunk on our feelings.

He asked if I really exist, if I'm real.

I'm not sure. But, I felt as real as ever.

Overwhelmed, my tears, the size of quarters, fell onto our skin. Zero degrees outside and I was red with warmth.

Without a bed, without a toilet, without wifi, I fell asleep the most comfortable I had been in years.

XXXVII

“My hair is being pulled by the stars again.”

— Anaïs Nin

Feb 2016 aesthetic:

Also, check out this new song by Chairlift, I love love love.

Despite the rough start to 2016 with getting ill, I am very optimistic about the New Year. My resolutions for this year share a common theme: minimalism.

One goal, I'll share with you: start to shed layers of unnecessary stuff (both physically and emotionally) that I have accumulated. 2015 was a great precursor to this movement, and in my bones I know that letting go of Things will allow me to reach a more basic lifestyle of bliss and ease. My first step is to go through my apartment and get rid of as much as I can. I have done purges in the past, but I now have a desire to donate it all and keep as little as possible.

Minimalism: "be more with less." With each task accomplished, my mind will be clearer and my soul more at peace.

XXXVI

“People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds.”

— Carl R. Rogers

My Hair Evolution

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I'm a girl who gets bored easily, loves self-expression, and is constantly developing different personas. I never do anything permanent to my body because I am 23 and my mood and feelings change daily. No tattoos for me, but hair dye, ear piercings, bring it on! I change my makeup and hair (almost) as often as my clothes. There are so many people to be ;)