XLV

“When I am putting looks together, I dare myself to make something work. I always look for the most interesting silhouette or something that’s a little off, but I have to figure it out. I have to make it me. I think that’s the thrill in fashion.”

— Rihanna

I love Rih, but to me, that's not the thrill in fashion, but the thrill of style. 

March Aesthetic... is early.

I'm a bold dresser. I have been forever. Well, since middle school when I ditched my polos and found a way to express myself through clothes. I like being on edge, unusual, more eccentric than most. Like the ladies above, I don't look for modern trends much, I follow how I feel that day, week, month. 

Recently, I've been feeling a bit watered down. Not as fierce. Not as daring. I'm tired, and I don't put much effort into creating a persona for the day.

Here is a board of inspiration, a reminder: get back to mixing prints, weird color combos, fearless makeup, over-the-top accessories, bold nails, not just 1 at a time, but at once.

Mute dressers, what are you afraid of?

---

XLIV

“Does everyone feel this way? When I was young, I was perpetually overconfident or insecure. Either I felt completely useless, unattractive, and worthless, or that I was pretty much a success, and everything I did was bound to succeed. When I was confident, I could overcome the hardest challenges. But all it took was the smallest setback for me to be sure that I was utterly worthless. Regaining my self-confidence had nothing to do with success… whether I experienced it as a failure or triumph was utterly dependent on my mood.”

— Bernhard Schlink, The Reader

Play:

---

Willow Smith is an anomaly. She is 15 and just came out with her first album (available on Spotify).

At age 13, she wrote and produced the first track in the playlist, Your Love. She writes music like she's been on the planet for decades. I had tickets to see her on Valentines Day, but I left the house too late, and only made it to see her chilling in the parking lot after the show in knee high glitter socks and converse. 

I connect to how she is experiencing her adolescent years, filled with moments of insecurity and uncertainty. Her songs "Roll Up" and "Chinese," struck me in particular, and reminded me of growing up and being a female in this backward world.

It's hard to be young. The world telling you who and what is important, and none of it applies to you.

At 23, I still not feel doubts I felt a decade ago, ask questions I asked a decade ago.

XLIII

“Someone who thinks death is the scariest thing doesn’t know a thing about life.”

— Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees

---

Poems by Andrea Gibson:

Maybe I Need You

The winter I told you I think icicles are magic,
you stole an enormous icicle from a neighbors shingle
and gave it to me as a gift
I kept it in my freezer for seven months
until the day I hurt my foot
and needed something to reduce the swelling
Love isn’t always magic
sometimes it’s just melting
or it’s black and blue
where it hurts the most

Last night I saw your ghost
pedaling a bicycle with a basket
towards a moon as full as my heavy head
and I wanted nothing more than to be sitting in that basket
like ET with my glowing heart glowing right through my chest
and my glowing finger pointing in the direction of our home

Two years ago I said I never want to write our break up poem;
you built me a time capsule full of big league chew
and promised to never burst my bubble
I loved you from our first date at the batting cages
when I missed 23 balls in a row
and you looked at me
like I was a home run in the ninth inning of the world series
Now every time I hear the word, ‘love’, I think going, going…

The first week you were gone, 
I kept seeing your hand wave goodbye
like a windshield wiper in a flooding car
in the last real moment I believed the hurricane would let me out alive

Yesterday I carved your name into the surface of an ice cube
then held it against my chest ‘til it melted into my aching pores
Today I cried so hard the neighbors knocked on my door
and asked if I wanted to borrow some sugar
I told them I left my sweet tooth in your belly button

Love isn’t always magic
but if I offered my life to the magician
if I told her to cut me in half
So tonight I could come to you whole
and ask for you back
would you listen
for this dark alley love song

For the winter we heated our home from the steam off our own bodies?
I wrote you too many poems in a language I did not yet know how to speak
But I know now it doesn’t matter how well I say grace
if I am sitting at a table where I am offering no bread to eat
So this is my wheat field;
you can have every acre, Love

This is my garden song
This is my fist fight
with that bitter frost
Tonight I begged another stage light to become that back alley street lamp that we danced beneath
the night your warm mouth fell on my timid cheek
as I sang, maybe I need you
off key
but in tune

Maybe I need you the way that big moon needs that open sea
Maybe I didn’t even know was here ‘til I saw you holding me
Give me one room to come home to
give me the palm of your hand
Every strand of my hair is a kite string
and I have been blue in the face with your sky
crying a flood over Iowa so your mother can wake to Venice

Lover, I smashed my glass slipper to build a stained glass window for every wall inside my chest
Now my heart is a pressed flower and a tattered Bible
It is the one verse you can trust

So I’m putting all of my words in your collection plate
I am setting the table with bread and grace
My knees are bent
like the corner of a page
I am saving your place

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Asking Too Much

I want you to tell me about every person you’ve ever been in love with
Tell me why you loved them, 
then tell me why they loved you

Tell me about a day in your life you didn’t think you’d live through
Tell me what the word “home” means to you
And tell me in a way that I’ll know your mothers name
just by the way you describe your bedroom when you were 8

See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate
And if that day still trembles beneath your bones
Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain
or bounce in the bellies of snow? 
And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree
to build your snowman arms?
Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? 
And if you would, would you notice how that tree weeps for you
because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek?

Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? 
Do you sleep beside them when they’re sad, 
even if it makes your lover mad? 
Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion
or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?

See, I wanna know what you think of your first name
And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mothers joy when she spoke it for the very first time
I want you tell me all the ways you’ve been unkind. 
Tell me all the ways you’ve been cruel. 
Tell me—knowing I often picture Gandhi at ten years old beating up little boys at school.

If you were walking by a chemical plant, where smoke stacks
were filling the sky with dark, black clouds, would you holler, “Poison! Poison! Poison!” really loud or would whisper,
“That cloud looks like a fish, and that cloud looks like a fairy”? 
Do you believe that Mary was really a virgin? 
Do you believe that Moses really parted the sea? 
And if you don’t believe in miracles, 
tell me, how would you explain the miracle of my life to me?

See, I wanna know if you believe in any god,
or if you believe in many gods. 
Or better yet, what gods believe in you. 
And for all the times you’ve knelt before the temple of yourself, have the prayers you’ve asked come true? 
And if they didn’t did you feel denied? 
And if you felt denied, denied by who?

I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day you’re feeling good
I wanna know what you see in the mirror on a day a day you’re feeling bad
I wanna know the first person who ever taught you your beauty could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass
If you ever reach enlightenment, will you remember how to laugh?

Have you ever been a song? 
Would you think less of me if I told you I have lived my entire life a little off key
and I’m not nearly as smart as my poetry
I just plagiarized the thoughts of the people around me who have learned the wisdom of silence

Do you believe that concrete perpetuates violence? 
And if you do I want you to tell me of a meadow where my skateboard will soar. 
See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living
I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. 
And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes.

I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people’s wounds
And if you dream sometimes that this life is just a balloon
that if you wanted to you could pop—but you never would because you’d never want it to stop
If a tree fell in the forest, and you were the only one there to hear it,
if its fall to the ground didn’t make a sound, would you panic in fear that you didn’t exist
or would you bask in the bliss of your nothingness?

And lastly, let me ask you this: 
if you and I went for a walk, and the entire walk we didn’t talk, 
do you think eventually we’d kiss? 
No way. 
That’s asking too much
—after all, this is only our first date.

---

The other morning, I watched A Message From Tar Creek and it consumed my thoughts. This short film hits on feelings that Adele often sings about, feelings that so many can connect to. A story that says:

We are strangers now. You're out of my life and I am a different person. But remember how things were? The person I left with you still exists in some time, place, and shape, even if only in our memories. Do you remember it like I do? Do you miss it from time to time like I do? What happened to you? Who are you now?

How will it be to look back on a love affair from 20 years previous? It's hard for me to fathom. Who will I be in 20 years? Who will you and you and you be? Will we know each other? 

?

XLII

“Always stay gracious. Best revenge is your paper.”

— Queen B, Formation

---

When he fuck me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster... cause I slay. And with that 1 line, Bey had people RUNNING TO RED LOBSTER. 

Once again, B comes out of nowhere and interrupts everyone's week for the better. This song is so powerful and so damn catchy (Thank u Mike Will).

Let's go into the making of/fashion/art direction because Beyonce is the best at everything she does, and that has a lot to do with the team she surrounds herself with.

Direction: Though originally misreported as having been self-directed by Beyoncé, "Formation's" actual director is none other than Melina Matsoukas. She won a Grammy for directing Rihanna's "We Found Love" video, and has directed eight other Beyoncé videos since 2007, most recently "Pretty Hurts." 

Fashion: The video was styled by the Cut contributing editor and former Cosmopolitan fashion market director Shiona Turini; Nigerian-American designer Ade Samuel; and stylist Marni x Marni. Learn more about the complete wardrobe from Man Repeller.

Producers/Songwriters: Though you won't hear his famous drop on the beat's introduction, "Formation" was produced by Mike WiLL Made-It, who tweeted after the song's release, "Always wanted to work with Beyoncé and after working with her I respect her on even more levels than I knew she was on... Real ARTist Fr." Yonce's co-writer on the track was Swae Lee of rap duo Rae Sremmurd. More from Vulture.

Now, let's go into the message.

Beyonce is not afraid of being political. She has attended numerous protests against police brutality, and in case you haven't already heard, Fox News is outraged by her Super Bowl performance and its references to the Black Panther Party. Cry me a river, O'Reilly, get back to more important things like the War on Christmas. You and Megyn Kelly have 10 months to plan your next segments on how Jesus was white... Anyway...

Omise'eke Natasha Tinsley writes for Time,

This song is all about the pleasures of having a black female body and owning it. “Cocky fresh” Bey calls her black feminist aesthetic. Cocky, as in enjoying pleasure with a sense of controlling her own sexuality that’s usually reserved for men.

Bey revels in her Southernness black womanness: “I like my baby hair, with baby hairs and afros,” she drawls, singing her love not only of black girls’ kinky, coily and curly hair but also of black Southern women’s speech. Yes, Beyonce’s black feminism is a politics of the pleasures reserved for black women: our country roots, our nappy roots, our Cheddar Bay Biscuits, our well-eaten cake by the pound.

But don’t get it twisted: Bey’s black feminism isn’t only for cis-women. The song starts with a voiceover from Messy Mya, killed in an unsolved transphobic murder in 2010, who tells us “Bitch, I’m back by popular demand.” Femme and fabulous, Beyonce’s formation loves and celebrates the art of black femininity in every kind of body brave enough to own it.

Most of all, Beyonce’s black feminism celebrates conjure women and the magic they wield.

NPR's Mandalit del Barco highlights reactions to the video:

The images are very much an homage to the black South... Louisiana is this famous slave port, where so many cultures came together and mixed, but also she references the site of Katrina, where this horrible crime was committed against black people; where its nation didn't show up for us and where this generation is having to learn that its nation continues to not show up for us. And in that, she's both centering black women — her formation is one of black women, who are proudly wearing their natural hair, and she makes a circle amongst her daughter and three girls, which is a little bit of magic and conjuring. But there's also, you know, the centering of queer folks and trans folk, and both by the vocals that we hear and of what we visually see. And that has very much been an intentional thing that's been happening in this new Black Lives Matter movement. From the very outset, there was real messaging that talked about centering queer folks and black women in leadership. So it's really amazing to see all of that reflected back to us in a Beyonce video.

I think that the image with the boy who's basically conducting a police lineup is magic. This is about them being in a trance, and them having to do what they usually try to make him do, which is put their hands up. The next cut about "Stop shooting us," it's not the black power moment that we got in the late '60s and '70s, which she referenced on the actual Super Bowl day, with the Black Panther beret, but it is absolutely a message that comes straight out of Ferguson: "Hands up, don't shoot." I think it was incredibly powerful. I think it was also a nod to Tamir Rice, you know. It's about a black visionary, a black future [where] we are imagining ourselves having power, and magic. And I think it's beautiful.

She showed up to the Trayvon Martin rally and met his parents, but that was disastrous for she and her husband. All of the eyes, which should have been on the dais, and they were all looking at Jay and Bey, who were kind of standing to the side of the stage. They understand what a distraction they can be. But this is all value add; this video "Formation" is not a distraction. It is a beautiful centering and a beautiful conjuring.

Beyonce created an anthem, a visual anthem in every way. And that's been beautiful to see. And it's been beautiful to see other artists kind of wake up around this and realize that this isn't going to cost them to put this kind of messaging forward; that it's actually going to benefit them.

---

Beyonce is the best at what she does. 

She always gives 100%, never disappoints, and is constantly pushing boundaries and surprising everyone. She does a million things at once like when she put out a 14 song visual album DURING her 132 show world tour (NOT including her solo Super Bowl Halftime show) AS a new mom. I don't care how big her team is, she defines what it means to be a hustler. Thank you for inspiring women everywhere to be unapologetically ourselves while being THE best at everything we do. "You know you that bitch when you cause all this conversation." Here's to you, Queen.

XLI

“I’m going to put on my gravestone, ‘He never owned a cell phone.’”

— Jesse Ventura

iPhone Addicts R Us.

Gallup found that about half of smartphone users check their phones several times an hour or more frequently; 81% of people said they keep their phones near them “almost all the time during waking hours” and 63% do so even when they’re sleeping. The condition is especially severe among the young, one-in-five of whom cop to “checking their phone every few minutes.”

In a 2015 study conducted at the University of Missouri, media researcher Russell Clayton found evidence that some people feel their phones are part of them—kind of like a leg or an arm. In a clever ruse involving word search puzzles and a blatant lie about signal interference, Clayton was able to get a snapshot of about 40 college students’ physiological states when their iPhones started ringing across the room but they were unable to answer them.

“They reported feeling a loss of identity,” he says. “When objects become possessions, when we use them a lot, they’re potentially capable of becoming an extension of ourselves.” When digital natives born today grow up to be toddlers who are crying because a parent takes their iPad away, Clayton says that could leave us with interesting questions: “Are they upset because they can’t play their game? Or are upset because they don’t have the iPad, the object, the possession?”

The good news is that Rosen does have a plan: weaning off devices bit by bit and making a public statement that you’re going to do so. This second part is key. Only if you’ve warned your parents and friends that they shouldn’t take it personally when you don’t text them back or like their picture right away, he says, will you be able to actually relax, no longer in fear of offending anyone who expects you to be on all the time. Meanwhile, you must wage an internal battle against your own FOMO.

“You announce to the world that you’re only going to check your phone once a half hour,” he says, “and then you allow yourself a minute or two every half hour to check in, return a call, text back, and then turn it off and put it away.” Then perhaps get bold and go up to an hour. Then perhaps two hours, in an attempt to eventually make the phone less like the limb it has become and more like the really cool toaster it could be.

“A lot of it,” Rosen says, “is self-induced anxiety. 

From Time.

---

Here are five tips to manage your phone addiction:

1. The first 30 minutes of your day

If you find yourself waking up in the morning reaching to check in with your phone before you even got out of bed, this is a serious problem. The first 30 minutes upon awakening should be dedicated to creating a good start to your day. This means getting out of bed, freshening up, taking 5 minutes to meditate and stretch and preparing a healthy breakfast. Start your day doing healthy, positive things to build your inner fortitude to take on the day ahead.

2. Create No-Phone Time Zones

The truth of the matter is having a cell phone close by at work is common, and sometimes even required. Whether the ding of your phone is work-related or not—that specific phone alert is rarely related to the current work at hand. If you are constantly getting distracted by your phone going off—you won’t remain focused on the work in front of you, decreasing productivity. Therefore, I advocate for creating a no-phone time-zone. This means that for at least 2 hours of your day(when you’re most productive work happens) you close off your phone and stay completely dedicated to the work in front of you.

3. Turn your Phone Off When You Get Into The Car

This should be a law. I’m waiting for the day that it is. Just as in an aircraft you are asked to power off your electronic devices and cell phones, this should be the law of the road. It is impossible for your mind to be at two places at once. It is a law of physics: no one thing can occupy the same space at the same time, and if your mind and eyes are on your phone, they are not on the road. Driving is one of those places where you do not want to mess around. Sometimes I hear the excuse “Well, I need my phone for directions, my GPS is on it.” To that I say: what did people do five years ago? You would carefully map out your route before you left the house, or you would pull off to the side of the road as you looked at a map. The same rule should apply today. When driving—close off your phone so that you are not even tempted to look at it. Your life and other people’s lives are at stake.

4. Get Real

When you are with a real life person sharing a conversation, a meal, or a cup of coffee, they are a real life form. A real person right there in front of you to engage with. Are you telling me that your virtual friends and virtual text conversations are more important than the real life person in front of you? Not only is this THE rudest thing on the planet, but it breaks down friendships and can ruin relationships. Even if you say to a friend “Oh I just need to check that,” They may respond “Oh, that’s OK.” But the truth is it’s not OK. What you are saying is that the virtual message is more important than them. They have taken time out of their busy life to meet with you, and share real life time with you. By turning your attention away from them you are inevitably saying “You are not as important.” It’s really a sickness that we are so addicted to our phones that we ignore the people we are with to hang out with virtual people over Facebook, Twitter, and text messages. Come on people—it’s time to get real.

5. Don’t Lose Sleep Over It

If you find yourself up late at night playing on your phone, whether it is video games, Facebook, or text messaging, you are losing precious sleep over your addiction. The moment you stop putting energy into caring for your basic needs and pour your time and energy into your phone, you are allowing the phone to dictate your health and well-being. If you catch yourself in this scenario, my advice is to power off your phone an hour before bedtime to ensure that your last hour is spent in a meaningful way, and that you get to bed on time to start the next day afresh. Your phone is just not worth losing sleep over.

From LifeHack

---