82

“And I said, ‘I feel so lonely’, and he said ‘Lie down and tell me about it.’”

— Anne Carson, The Anthropology of Water

It's hard to say goodbye to summer. There are some visuals and sounds to hold onto.

81

“I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts but they need constant attention & one day I decided I had better things to do.”

— Brian Andreas

L e t m e b e y o u r

S U M M E R B A B Y

S U M M E R V I S U A L S

It's therapeutic to begin writing again. Here is a short piece on the hesitation felt when developing as a person. Growing up and standing in your full power is intimidating, and it can be tempting to stay in your comfort zone.

Being connected

In a world disconnected

Is uncomfortable as hell

I'm getting to know myself, just now

Someone I neglected for 25 years

Someone I drowned out with smart phones & Netflix & vibrators & Pinot

She isn't letting me ignore her much anymore

She makes my tummy ache

She makes my hangovers hurt like hell

She throws tantrums until I say

You

When she's scared, I tell her I'm here

When she's lonely, I tell her she doesn't have to be alone anymore

When she's mad, I validate her feelings

This relationship scares me

I avoid it often

Probably because

It's the most important one I'll ever have

And I'm terrified of how powerful I will become with her by my side

Power means responsibility

And I like my Netflix & wine a lil too much

76

“I will touch a hundred flowers
And not pick one.”

— Edna St. Vincent Millay, excerpt of Afternoon on a Hill

Goodbye 2016

I am on the brink of something new, something earth-shattering. This year, I continued to work on becoming more of my true self, the self that existed in perfection and wholeness before the world told me who I should be. I stopped using friendships and relationships to mirror back who I am and instead began to look inward. I put an emphasis on health and cut out many things from my diet which helped me rediscover my body and an abundance of energy. I used and will continue to use every day to experiment and reveal new depths of my being. I do this with the knowledge that I cannot make the mark I wish to make on the world until I work on myself.

I move into 2017 in the spirit of love and authenticity.

Favorites of the Year

TV show: Flaked on Netflix

Film seen in theaters: Doctor Strange

Film seen at home: American Honey

Book: In a Dark, Dark Wood by Ruth Wood

Album: I Remember by Alunageorge

Song: Cranes in the Sky by Solange

New Artist: Maggie Rogers

New Producer: dné

Concert: Alabama Shakes (Greek Theater)

Play/Musical: Ride the Cyclone (Off-Broadway in NYC)

Out of state trip: Ireland

In state trip: Madonna Inn

Nature trip: Yosemite National Park camping

Local find: Erewhon Market

Off the bucket list: Tattoo

Thing to remember: Attending the largest anti-Trump rally in LA

Drastic Changes: No more vodka or wine/champagne, if I do drink, it's only gin. No more gluten, dairy, soy, sugar, nuts, fish, eggs.

New endeavor: My monthly IBP class.

Lesson learned: Rebellion isn't authentic. It's the same as complacency. It's looking and reacting to the outside, it is dependent on the outside. It is not an inner voice.

Trips

Santa Barbara (My first time, January)

Joshua Tree Camping (February, December)

New York (March, June, August, December)

Jalama Beach Camping (March)

Bay Area/Menlo Park (last time with Under <3 March, June)

San Luis Obispo (April)

Coachella (April)

Ireland (June)

Sun Valley, Idaho (July, August)

Las Vegas (August)

Orange County/Disneyland (September, October)

Yosemite (October)

Long Beach (My first time, October)

Tahoe (October)

Tucson, Arizona (November)

Concerts

Red Hot Chili Peppers for Bernie Sanders (January)

Bonobo at a Club Called Rhonda (January)

Afrojack (February)

Coachella notables seen: LCD Soundsystem, Guns n Roses, Silversun Pickups, the Arcs, Rhye, Christine and the Queens, Sia, Flume, Major Lazer, Jack U, Nathanial Rateliff, etc (April)

Felix da Housecat at a Club Called Rhonda (May)

Rihanna, opened by Travis Scott (May)

Beyonce (May)

Rudimental (May)

Gorgon City (May)

Fedde Le Grand (May)

Felix da Housecat (July)

CAZZETTE (July)

Pure Prairie League (July)

Alabama Shakes (August)

Beyonce round 2 (September)

Duke Dumont (September)

Sigur Ros (September, first time at Hollywood Bowl)

Drake (September)

Zhu (October)

Mickey Avalon (October)

Two Door Cinema Club (November)

Favorite Art Exhibits

Pixel Forest by Pipilotti Rist at the New Museum in New York

The Visitors by Ragnar Kjartansson at The Broad in DTLA

Cindy Sherman, special exhibition at The Broad in DTLA

74

“Do you remember the way the girls
would call out “love you!”
conveniently leaving out the “I”
as if they didn’t want to commit
to their own declarations.

And I agree that the “I” is a pretty heavy concept.”

— David Berman, “Self Portrait at 28”

Feeling uninspired as of late. Been under the weather, so I'm focusing on my health, wellness, and being present in my life as much as possible. Unfortunately, that means I continue to postpone items on my blog. I'm anticipating posts from my trips to Sun Valley, Yosemite, and more. Also, working on publishing my recent photoshop work and a list of my favorite Hollywood 'It Girls'. Would you like me to do something on my 'favorite stuff?' Maybe products I use for my skincare or makeup routine? I'm not really that kind of 'blogger,' but I'm playing with the idea.

Xxxooo

73

“The world will ask you who you are, and if you don’t know, the world will tell you.”

— Carl Jung

Thinking about you is violent.
It’s never just hips.
It’s hips crashing like helmet-less bicycle wrecks,
head over handlebars,
hands all scraped up.
Nails full of dirt and spit and you.
Even your voice is this jarring thing,
this pleasant shake-down,
this sore so good, so goddamn good.
Like a bad-tooth hurt.
I think of you and want to put my fingers
in my mouth.
I want to pull my own hair.
I want smoke and blood.

Trista Mateer

Am I lonely?
Sure. Like anybody
who has sat by themselves during
their hardest moments is.
The feeling of being completely
alone does not leave you-
even when you’re assured that
you have people to rely on.
I am trying to learn my Lonely.
I foster it. So that it does not
eat me up. It is a piece of me that
has never
strayed.

You Don’t Unlearn It Immediately, Lora Mathis

later that night
i held an atlas in my lap
ran my fingers across the whole world
and whispered
where does it hurt?

it answered
everywhere
everywhere
everywhere.

Warsan Shire