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“Self love isn’t limited to yoga and green tea. It isn’t an aesthetic. It isn’t a commodity. It is tedious work, only your hands can make.”

— Donte Collins

May-be Baby

Listen to this.

Doesn't it make you want to go back to high school and have another summer love affair?

Watch this.

She is me. Except also like a supermodel or whatever.

Make this.

My favorite piece in my house is a big abstract painting on fabric.

Wear this.

Or just fantasize about wearing it once you make all your dream $$$. Wear this in the meantime.

Go to this.

LA friends, I obviously got extra tickets, let's go.

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“There are two means of refuge from the misery of life — music and cats.”

— Albert Schweitzer

My 4th Coachella left me feeling like I need to be comatose for the remainder of April and half of May. Over the 2.5 days, Rob and I walked 60,767 steps (~26 miles) and danced/jumped 17 flights of stairs in the desert heat on little sleep. My blisters are so bad, I had to go barefoot most of the weekend.

But. It. Was. So. Much. Fun.

Acts we saw included LCD Soundsystem, Jack U, Christine and the Queens, Lido, Jaden Smith, Ice Cube, Disclosure, RL Grime, Silversun Pickups, ZHU, Alunageorge, Guns and Roses, Calvin Harris, Sia (feat. Maddie Zieglar & Kristen Wiig), The Arcs, Major Lazer, Flume, Rancid, Nathaniel Rateliff, Tokimonsta, Usher, etc.

We met Mickey Avalon and chilled near Andre 3000 from Outkast in the Rose Garden. We made a friend from San Paolo, Brazil who spent most of Friday night with us. Sadly, I barely met up with my friends that were there, it's so hard to coordinate. We did get to see Rob's cousin and his friend from high school. Everyone loved the weekend.

And R, I couldn't have asked for a better partner to go with. I had so much fun dancing and loving you. P.S. thank you for not asking me to wear that flower crown, I was having a slight identity crisis with the corniness. P.P.S Let's get married.

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“Physical fitness is not only one of the most important keys to a healthy body, it is the basis of dynamic and creative intellectual activity.”

— John F. Kennedy

Skinny doesn't equal fit.

Fit isn't a number on the scale or a body type. It's a body feeling.

I used to be unbelievably fit. I would go to the gym 6 days a week and feel guilty as hell if I didn't make it 7. I would not leave the gym unless I burned at least 800 calories through cardio alone. After, I would do weights and floor work. I would run at a resting speed of 6.5- 7 mph with frequent intervals at 8- 8.8 mph for a solid hour. I could run and run and run and never ever get tired. I would stop when I felt bored enough. I was in incredible shape and even went on retreats to health spas and took tests to see how I could become fitter.

Despite my level of fitness, I've never been skinny, and I probably never will be. I have an athletic body type, as you can see in the pictures above of when I was in shape. I have a big butt, strong arms, and calves that are more muscular than I would like (thanks, Dad). Plus, I like to eat!!! Because I sprained my ankle CONSTANTLY in different sports and activities, including 3x during a varsity lacrosse season, I had to get ligament and tendon surgery when I was 20. This totally threw me off. Being unable to walk, I quickly gained 20+ pounds. I gave in to laziness and comfort, and I lost my fit body throughout recovery and the remainder of college.

Since I can remember, I have been praised for my looks and (after the awkward teenage years) recognized for my face and body. I grew up around people who preached the importance of looks, like how happiness stems from physical appearance. We, as women, are lied to from birth: we are not required to look like society wants us to; we are not lesser if we do not look like society expects. I've been UN-TEACHING myself all of the lies that were shoved down my throat and gaining weight surprisingly helped that process along. In fact, I think I have been in this spot for as long as I have been partially as a form of protest. It has been an interesting experiment. I am the manifestation of "FUCK YOU. I WILL LOOK LIKE WHAT I WANT, DO WHAT I WANT, EAT WHAT I WANT. You can either love it, and I mean ALL of it, or get out of my way."

Do I think being somewhat overweight is a huge burden to bear and I'm a martyr? Not at all. More than sending a message to anyone else, I figured out I've been trying to send a message to ME. The lies I tell and expectations I put on myself have been a battle my whole life. I've learned I CAN be overweight and still do everything and anything I want to. I can still have incredible sex, fall in love, have a ton of friends, feel sexy, go out in cute clothes, be a role model, and have an active lifestyle. Are there days where I feel self-conscious and fat as hell? Of course. Is it still a daily internal battle? It can be. Do I still think about and call out my flaws? More often than I would like. But I've come a long way with self-acceptance, and I am more confident today than I was 3 years ago in great shape and eating a can of raw tuna fish for lunch.

My worth is dictated by my soul, my intentions, my thoughts. This seems cliché, but it is something we women have to teach ourselves despite all odds and messages. With this growing change in mentality, I am interested in getting back into shape again. Not for vanity, but for new reasons: health and self-love. Enough with laziness and using my appearance to prove I can have it all no matter what. Like all other goals in my life, I'm going to do this. For me.

Now here's a funny video I adore:

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“People think that beauty opens doors, but it opens doors to cliff edges.”

— Caitlin Stasey, StyleLikeU Video

I recently discovered an incredible movement on Instagram by StyleLikeU. I searched the longer videos on YouTube and was blown away. The videos are a concept created by a mother-daughter team leading a movement that empowers people to accept and express their true selves. Last month, they began their foray of expanding What's Underneath to all corners of the earth by taking the project to Los Angeles.

I've watched most of the videos they've done for the project. My eyes were opened to the struggles of other women: I connected to their stories, became inspired by their insight, and learned lessons from their words. Almost every video brought me to tears. I beg of you to watch as many as you have time for. Both men and women can learn from these individuals and their life stories.

Check out their YouTube channel for many more #WhatsUnderneath videos.

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“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.”

— Frida Kahlo

Beautiful, rainy April

Screen Shot 2016-04-12 at 10.01.41 AM.png

I’m learning to talk less
An absence of voices to hear me
Is a lesson to be learned
Or so my therapist says
“
Learn to be alone
Stop looking for advice
The guidance you need is inside
”
I talk to myself
But I don’t care for the sound of my own voice
It doesn’t convince me the way it should
It doesn’t give me what I need
Yet

--------------------------------------------------------------

You obsess, stalk
Attempt to emulate creativity you do not possess
What stress continual imitation must cause
Far passed inspired,
you Suck from others' Individuality, foster a Stolen image
Stolen image after stolen image
At your best
you F a i l
In having any slight depth, voice, vision.
Do you see your luminous transparency ? Insecurity ?
Realization of your lack of identity
Leaves me vacant
So I quickly stop myself
Basic Falsities are
Undeserving
of my thoughts
of my breath
.
I smile
and Forget you

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